Anatidaephobia - the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.

Weevil + Chocolate = Bloody end.

2009-09-02T03:43:12Z

I blame hohaiyee for this. She gave me the inspiration with her comment that she thought my other fic was going to be about Gwen feeding Janet crack. That one wasn't but this is.

Nothing special. Just a drabble of sorts but it's all in conversations.

Rated: PG

“Ianto?”

“Hmm?”

“Have you seen Gwen?”

“Not for a while now, no. She must have gone home early. Why?”

“Rhys just called. Gwen hasn’t come home yet. He’s claiming she called from here saying she was about to leave but she just had to take care of something first.”

“Oh? What thing was that?”

“He didn’t say.”

“That’s odd. Maybe she finished whatever it was and sneaked off for a wine at the pub before heading home?”

“That doesn’t sound like her. Besides she told Rhys she was coming straight home remember? Can you check the CCTV? See if you can find where she went.”

“Good idea. I’ll bring it up now.”

“……”

“Stop it there! Bring up that footage of the Weevil cells. Is that Gwen? What’s she doing?”

“I think it was Gwen’s turn to feed the weevils this week. But i don't think feeding the weevils involves taunting them either.”

“Is that…. is that a chocolate wrapper in Janet’s cell? Ianto! Didn’t you warn Gwen about giving the Weevils junk food?”

“Yes, um about that .… must of slipped my mind. Sorry.”

"Oh no! Gwen run!.....too late."

"Huh. I didn't know Weevils could fit that much in their mouth at one time."

“This is terrible.”

“I know. Janet’s going to get indigestion from eating Gwen that fast.”

“Ianto, don’t be so flippant, this is serious! Gwen must have given Janet chocolate not knowing the sugar is the equivalent of giving her crack cocaine. ”

“She would have been told that during her first days training Jack except she didn’t have training. She managed to convince you that her PC training was enough to enable her to deal with aliens.”

“I know, i know. But I told you why i did that, she just wouldn’t stop whining. I figured she would use her common sense.”

“I don’t think she had any Sir. Common or otherwise.”

“I thought you were taught to never speak ill of the dead?”

“That only applies to people I liked when they were alive.”

“I suppose that’s fair enough. This is terrible. What am I going to tell Rhys?”

“How about: I’m sorry but Gwen won’t be coming home tonight. She’s busy being digested by a weevil coming down off a sugar high.”

“Yes that should go down really well. Can you clean this up? I have to go make some phone calls.”

“Of course sir.”

“Why did Gwen have to be so stupid? I never should have hired her.”

……..

…….

“Nice work Janet. We’ll just keep who really gave you that chocolate between us hmm?”

“BURP!”

“That’s my girl."

Don't like Character Bashing? Don't read this fic.

2009-08-26T02:19:44Z

I had a bad day. Combine this with an intense hatred of the character of Gwen Cooper from "RTD presents The I Heart Gwen Cooper Show (formerly Torchwood)" and you get this.

Enjoy.

Title: The Reason Why Janet Doesn’t Eat Junk Food.
Author: chester_kat
Rating: I don’t know…R? It’s pretty gross and maybe a bit graphic if you’re very squeamish so don’t let the sensitive kiddies read it.
Warning: Character Death. But it’s only Gwen’s so it should be okay.
Disclaimer/Authors Notes: 1# I own nothing. Not even my sanity.

2#Unbeta’d and written at 3am in the morning so for any mistakes I throw myself at your feet in apology and beg forgiveness.

3# Also please note: I am not a very violent person and am not crazy enough to wish harm to Eve Myles or anyone else. It’s just a fic. IT”S NOT REAL. It’s just crack.
4# I don't know what Tosh/Owen fans call themselves. So I apologise for just calling you Tosh/Owen fans and not Towen fans or whatever. You guys are all right in my book. =)

5#I don’t have anything else to say but I wanted a uneven 5 disclaimers/authors notes

Gwen let out a scream as the snarling creature chased her, its fangs bared and eyes gleaming.

“HELP! SOMEBODY! PLEASE HELP ME!”

She screamed again as she tripped over a conveniently placed rock, breaking her ankle.

“Ahhhh!”

She collapsed to the ground in an ungainly heap, sobbing, holding out her arms as if to stop the creature descending on her.

“No! Please! Somebody help me! IANTO!”

She let out a cry of joy as Ianto stepped out from the shadows behind the creature, gun drawn.

“Ianto! Thank God you’re here! Shoot it! Quickly!”

Ianto walked calmly towards her, gun still drawn.

“What are you doing? SHOOT!”

Ianto frowned and stopped beside the creature who had stopped and was crouched down, growling softly to itself and staring at Gwen.

“Now why would I do that? You’re not going anywhere and the only other thing in this alley is Janet.”

Gwen shook her head. “What are you fucking stupid? It’s trying to kill me! It’s rabid! SHOOT IT!”

“You’re not rabid are you Janet? You’re just hungry that’s all. Yes you are, yes you are!”

Gwen watched in horror as Ianto talked baby talk to Janet the Weevil and patted her gently on the head and scratched her chin. Janet purred like a kitten and moved closer towards Ianto like a dog wanting attention from its master.

“You’re fucking insane!” Gwen screamed in rage, staring at Ianto in disbelief.

Janet snarled and took a step towards Gwen but stopped when Ianto clicked his fingers sharply.

“Not yet baby.” He stared at Gwen coldly. “I’d mind your tongue around Janet if I were you. She doesn’t like you very much to begin with and she’s very attuned to my mood if you catch my drift.”

Janet snarled again and Gwen shrunk back, gasping.

“You’ll never get away with this. Jack will come rescue me! You’ll see!”

Ianto laughed. “Who do you think told me to do this? You’ve pissed him off too many times former PC Gwen Cooper. He can be forgiving but you ran out of second chances long ago. Nobody will really care if you die.”

Gwen shook her head and started to cry, her tears streaming down her face as it mingled with the snot bubbling out of her nose like a 4 year old without a tissue.

“He loves me.” She blubbered, wiping her nose on her sleeve, making awful gagging noises as she sobbed.

“No, actually he doesn’t. Never has.”

She looked at him angrily through her tears. “Rhys loves me. He cares.”

“Nope. Wrong again. We told him what we had planned and he gave us his blessing. He’s been shagging Ruth his office secretary for months now anyway.”

“That fat fuck!” She screamed her crocodile tears now forgotten as her anger boiled over. “That good for nothing, useless piece of…”

She paused and sneered at Ianto. “What about Andy? I know he has a crush on me. He’s pretty much a waste of space when it comes to being a policeman but even he will figure out what happened and avenge me.”

Ianto looked at her pityingly. “Now Gwen that isn’t very nice. PC Andy is a very committed and talented policeman. He’s actually filling out all the paperwork we’re going to need to make you disappear as we speak. We might even take him on as your replacement, what do you think?”

Gwen howled in anger and threw herself to the ground, kicking and screaming like a toddler throwing a tantrum while Ianto looked on disapprovingly. Finally he yelled over her screams.

“Dear God women, try to have at least some self respect.”

“FUCK YOU!”

It was Ianto’s turn to sneer. “No thanks. I know where you’ve been.”

He turned to Janet and smiled. “Sick her Janet.”

Gwen screams died in her throat as Janet pounced and attacked, tearing at her neck and sending her blood spraying across the alleyway.

Ianto watched on in clinical disinterest as Janet tore Gwen apart.

“No. Stop.” He muttered in a bored voice examining his nails. “Somebody, please. Help her.”

The weevil had dug around in her chest and pulled out her heart and was now chewing on it. Suddenly it shuddered and spat her heart back out at Ianto’s feet, splashing him.

“Oh!” He yelled. “Gross!” He reached over and tapped Janet on the nose. “Bad weevil.”

The creature snarled at him then went back to using Gwen’s head as a chew toy.

Ianto heard someone coming towards them, and he quickly schooled his face into a suitable expression of grief.

“Oh thank god! Please somebody help us, please help …oh it it’s just you.”

Jack frowned as he reached them. “What do you mean it’s just me? What’s wrong with me?”

Ianto smiled indulgently. “Nothing’s wrong with you Jack.” He leaned in and gave him a reassuring kiss which Jack quickly turned into a grope. “Careful, I got splattered a bit.”

“Oh ewww.” Jack said in disgust, wrinkling his nose and stepping back. “Janet looks like she’s having fun.”

They both watched on like proud parents as Janet tore at Gwen’s flesh, ripping off her head and gnawing on her skull before smashing it on the ground trying to crack it open like a coconut.

“Don’t waste your time Janet.” Ianto told her “trust me. You won’t find anything in there worth eating anyway.”

Janet stared at the head for a moment longer then threw it away and went back to rummaging through Gwen’s insides.

“Wow she’s really made a mess of the body. Least we won’t need to clean it up.”

“You mean at least I won’t have to clean it up.” Ianto muttered in disgust. “Weevils really don’t have the best table manners do they?”

“Say, how did you end up luring Gwen out here anyway?”

Ianto gave him an evil grin and shrugged. “I simply told her what she wanted to hear. I lied and told her you and I were breaking up because you were in love with her.”

Jack let out a roar of laughter that made Janet look up from picking bits of Gwen out from between her teeth.

“Oh my god! No wonder she came running. She never did have a clue did she?”

As they laughed they heard a loud belch then a gross splatter as Janet regurgitated Gwen all over the floor.

The two men winced at the sight, covering their mouth as Janet sniffed at the vomit and snorted as if she too was sickened by what she smelt.

“Janet.” Jack admonished.

“It’s not her fault Jack.” Ianto said, taking his hand away from his mouth. “I told you we shouldn’t feed her junk food.”

Jack’s face broke out into a broad grin and he hugged Ianto.

“Let’s go home and …celebrate.” Jack leered.

Ianto smiled impishly. “I’ll grab the handcuffs.”

The two men walked arm in arm back towards the SVU, the sun starting to emerge in the distance, bathing the post Gwen earth in a rich golden pink glow and ….

“WHAT BULLSHIT!”

Gwen stared at the screen in disbelief. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She had witnessed the entire scene between Ianto and Jack after her death on a monitor in what she was told was Gwack headquarters.

“I’m dead and they’re celebrating? I thought Jack loved me!”

Mary sue (who co-incidentally looked almost identical to Gwen) sidled up next to her and nodded in agreement. “He was totally in love with you Gwen, it was that stupid Ianto that blinded him and forced him into it. By the way, Russel asked me to give you this.” She handed Gwen an autographed picture of Russell T Davies with the words You know you’re my favourite. scrawled in his handwriting.

Gwen screwed the picture in to ball and hurled it to the ground, screaming in frustration. Mary sue gasped and retrieved it, uncurling and flattening it as best as she could.

“Those bastards! I was the most important part of Torchwood, how the hell can they go on without me?”

A teary Gwack fan came up and tried to comfort her. “It’s okay Gwen. Jack will realise what he’s lost and he’ll find some way of bringing you back don’t worry.”

“What is this place anyway?”

Mary Sue laughed. “It’s heaven of course! Look around you!”

She looked around and found herself in a small room with no windows, one lone, black and white TV and a tattered, ugly couch in the corner. Every available space was adorned with pictures of Gwen with roughly cut out pictures of Jack photo-shopped next to her to give the illusion they were together.

Gwen preened for a moment as she studied all the pictures of herself then frowned.

“But if this is heaven that means you’re all dead like me. What happened to you?”

Mary Sue’s face darkened. “We got into a fight with the Janto fans. They beat us up and then poisoned our coffee when we brought up that scene in Meat. They’re still a bit touchy about that.”

Her fellow Gwack fans mumbled darkly in agreement.

“But that doesn’t matter now that we have you here! Why don’t you come sit down and we can tell you all our theories about how Ianto stole Jack from you and brainwashed him into loving him.”

Gwen was lost in a sea of Gwack fans and Mary Sue’s as they all tried to tell her their theories at once. Suddenly there was a loud banging on the ceiling.

“Quiet down you lot! We’re trying to watch the hothouse scene in slow motion!”

The irate Janto fan waited until there was silence before sitting back down. “Bloody nuisance those Gwack fans. They should be thankful we at least let them have the basement of heaven let alone get in in the first place.”

The other Janto fans nodded in distracted agreement as they watched their favourite scene unfold in slow motion.

“Can’t we watch something else?” Sighed a Tosh/Owen fan. “I’ll admit this scene is hot but what about we give us Tosh/Owen fans some screen time?”

The Tosh/Owen fans started to agree but were interrupted when suddenly the door to heaven burst open and another Janto fan came bustling in.

“Guess who’s got the footage of Gwen being mauled to death by a weevil?”

The entire room of Janto and Tosh/Owen fans paused for a moment before bursting into loud and excited applause and wolf whistles.

This was going to be good.

Thought for the day.

2009-07-24T12:11:38Z

Ship wars are fun. >=)

*dons her pirate hat and watches the carnage*

Go on. Flame Me. I have marshmellows

2009-07-12T10:24:49Z

I’m probably going to be incredibly unpopular for saying this but I’m going to say it anyway.

When I first heard about Ianto’s death I was incredibly pissed off and angry. Even after watching the whole series (and in particular that heart breaking scene a thousand times) I am still pissed off and angry that they could kill off such a well loved character. I’m guilty of killing off Ianto in quite a few of my fics but seeing it in the series just made it permanent.

Ianto Jones was my favourite character right from the start. Even though in the beginning he was just a small background character I was immediately drawn to him. Cyberwoman made my love for the character increase 10 fold and Countrycide cemented his place in my heart. The whole Janto relationship was one of the best parts of the series too. What’s not to love about to incredibly handsome men showing affection and …dare I say it…some pretty hot man lovin? Both GDL and JB did a great job portraying the relationship and I like everyone else on the community drooled at every tidbit we were given that had anything to do with their relationship.

When I heard the news and saw the episode I immediately hit the comms and signed up to join the Save the Teaboy brigade. I still firmly believe that we should annoy the shit out of TPTB and the BBC by sending coffee and booing RTD when he comes on stage at ANY comic convention. He messed with our heads and then essentially laughed in our faces and he should know how pissed off we are. (You don’t mess with your fan base or we’ll knock you down a peg.)

But having said that I thought about it and:

I don’t want them to bring Ianto back.

Now before you start disagreeing and flaming me or worse, calling me a gwack fan let me explain.

I don’t want them to write Ianto back into the series because Russell T Douchebag has already done a good enough job of ending the series completely. There’s no reason I can think of to bring him back and no reason what so ever to even create a season 4.

Forget all that bull about there being the possibility of a 4^th season. Head knob Rusty has apparently already decided for everyone. He’s paid no attention to what the fans want, he’s painted himself into a corner story wise by killing off almost every original character from the original series (Gwen may have been there in the beginning but no matter how hard they try she isn’t original. She picks and chooses when to show she even has a heart – where would she find the time to be original?) and he’s made the lead character so “tortured” that it’s going to be next to impossible to make him likable enough to entice a new audience – which I assume was the point of moving the show to a new channel.

Fans that have been there from the beginning and know the back story behind Captain Jack might be able to accept a new darker and edgier Captain but that’s only because we’ve been able to appreciate the lighter, “happier” Captain first. New fans might not be so willing. They won’t get why he does what he does and so it will be a completely different show.

And I don’t think the Ianto we know and love would fit into that new show. More importantly I don’t think I want to see that version of Janto that it would produce should they miraculously bring him back.

In case my ramblings didn’t make a lick of sense I’ll sum it up for you.

RTD in my opinion stands for Russell T Dickhead.
He and his writers have essential made sure there isn’t any room for Ianto to come back, even if we managed to convince them of their hideously misguided mistake.
Jack from now on will be a completely different character meaning that the Janto we know and love is essentially dead.
There is no Torchwood without Janto (at least there isn’t a torchwood that I want to watch)

Ianto had a pretty fitting death in the end. He maintained his air of mystery, told Jack he loved him and received a (sort of) confirmation that Jack loved him and will remember him. I don’t think we can ask for better than that

….expect maybe that next season has an opening scene that shows Jack waking up in Ianto’s arms, realising it was all a dream and the two of them having mad passionate sex to make Jack forget his silly dream

A girl can dream can’t she?

and that's the end of torchwood is it?

2009-07-11T04:22:10Z

I haven't watched day 5 yet but after reading all the comments and reviews on the communities i don't think i want to.

RTD is such a bastard. By the sounds of this episode he either REALLY sucks at writing endings (which i am sure is true) or he had no intention what so ever of writing a season 4. If that's the case why not just admit it?

I'm not watching it if there is a season 4. Not just because there is no Janto but because it's obvious this show wasn't meant for the fans anyway. It was just Russel T Davie's "Lets write a hit show to piss of the censors and push the boundaries than screw everyone over when i can't be bothered trying anymore" show.

What a piece of ****

I'll Never Forget

2009-07-10T14:03:40Z

I've had this idea for this story for a while and even tried to palm it off onto someone else but there were no real takers. Then i saw that scene which shall not be named for fear of me bursting into tears and inspiration struck.

It's kind of a reversal of roles. Ianto didn't want Jack to forget him and in this story Ianto never forgot Jack.

That made more sense in my brain. Just read the damn fic.

Title: II'll Never Forget
Author: </a></a></div></a>
Rating: It's a bit sad so if you're prone to crying at fics don't read it at work. Other then that it's pretty much G rated.
Warning: Character Death. Unbeta’d. My bad.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even my sanity.

Spoilers: It was inspired by the radio play "The Dead Line" and recent events in the episode that dare not speak it's name but has no direct link. I've gone sailing on the river nile and intend to stay there so this is my fic to help that along. *mutters it didn't happen... it didn't happen...*

Notes: Unbeta’d so all mistakes are mine and mine alone. Let me know if anything is too unbearable to read. Also I am still in denial. I intend to stay there until someone tells me it's safe to come out.
It's probably hideously out of character and unrealistic but it's a therapy fic - it's not supposed to be good it's just supposed to help me deal. *continues to mutter: It didn't happen... it didn't happen... he's fine... janto forever...*

Jack watched as the steady rise and fall of Ianto’s chest as he slept. He longed to reach out and run his hands over his forehead but instead he stayed where he was, his hands lying listlessly in his lap.

He traced every inch of Ianto’s frame into his memory and compared them to his memories of 60 years ago. Jack of course hadn’t changed in all that time but Ianto was not so lucky. His smooth, pale skin had grown wrinkled and dry. He had lost a lot of weight and now his features were gaunt and pale. The thick raven hair that Jack had loved to comb his fingers through was now a dark grey and very thin. Every inch of him seemed to have changed but Jack knew without a doubt that he was his Ianto.

Jack smiled to himself. His Ianto. He hadn’t been “his Ianto” for years. Not since he betrayed him all those years ago and made him forget that Jack ever existed.

Jack remembered how he fought back tears as he had dissolved the retcon in Ianto’s coffee. He remembered how he’d let the tears fall as Ianto realised what he had done, how desperate and angry Ianto had been, vowing he’d never forget him.

“Why?” he had pleaded, “Why are you doing this?”

Jack hadn’t given him an answer. He’d simply held him until he fell asleep, one last tear for his loss, rolling down his face.

Ianto’s pain at Jack’s decision had never left him. It haunted his dreams and filled him with a melancholy that plagued him whenever he was alone. He’d had lovers since, and he’d loved them all but each had failed to compare to the man that had left such an impression on his heart.

“Who are you?”

Jack was broken out of his reverie by a soft voice. He started into familiar blue eyes and again fought the urge to reach out and touch. He flashed a smile that he didn’t feel and held out his hand.

“My name is Captain Jack Harkness. It’s nice to meet you Ianto Jones.”

Ianto frowned. “Have we met?”

Jack continued to smile but inside he felt his heart beginning to break just like it had all those years ago. “Yes. But it was a long time ago.”

“Couldn’t have been that long.” Ianto scoffed. “You’re still a young man. I however, am definitely not.”

Ianto began to cough and Jack reached for a glass of water by the bedside. As he handed it to Ianto he felt a familiar thrill as their fingers brushed. He swallowed hard and sat back in his chair as he waited for Ianto to settle.

“Thanks.” Ianto croaked when he had calmed down, placing the glass on the table near his hospital bed. “Take my word for it. Never grow old and never get sick. And especially never do both at the same time.”

Jack ducked his head and tried to hide his smile. “I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.”

Not hearing him, Ianto sighed and lay back against the pillows. Jack just stared at him, unsure of what to say and so happy to say nothing at all.

“Talkative type I see. Tell me. Do you often sit by random patients bedsides and stare at them?”

“I talk when I have things to say. And you’re not a random patient, not to me. I told you, we’ve met.”

“Yes of course. A long time ago.” Ianto opened his eyes and stared at Jack. “Oh my god. You’re not one of those ones who believe in past lives are you? Because I only remember this life and have no interest in hearing about my life as a snail 300 years ago.”

Jack laughed and shook his head, gracing Ianto with a genuine smile. Ianto smiled back.

“You have a wonderful laugh. My wife used to have a wonderful laugh too.” Ianto reached for a picture on the bedside cabinet and Jack’s smile faltered slightly. “This is her. Beautiful isn’t she?”

Jack regarded the picture of the laughing woman and took in a shaky breath. “Yes she is.”

Ianto took the picture back and traced the outline of her face. “We were married for 50 years. We met in hospital. She was a nurse. She looked after me while I was in a coma.”

Ianto started at the picture wistfully. She died 5 years ago. I suppose I’ll be joining her soon.”

“What was her name?”

“Lisa.” Ianto said, then stopped. Jack looked at him curiously. “Margaret. Sorry. Her name was Margaret. Maggie.” Ianto frowned. “I don’t know why I said Lisa.”

Jack looked for a way to change the subject. “And are these pictures of your children?”

Ianto’s face cleared and he turned to look at the pictures Jack was referring to. “No, Maggie and I never had any children. That’s a picture of my great niece and nephew. We had no grandchildren of our own to spoil so we helped my sister spoil hers.”

Jack knew all this already but he nodded and listened patiently as Ianto went on. He had kept an eye on Ianto over the years and had every intention of looking after all the generations of his family to come. He’d been sad to learn that Ianto had never fathered any children, he thought he would have made an excellent father. But even great nieces and nephews were still family and so Jack would look over them from the shadows and try to keep the bloodline that Ianto had shared safe.

“You look so familiar.” Ianto was saying, staring at Jack, his eyes raking over his face, searching for the answer. “Like I’ve seen you before.”

Jack said nothing, just waited for Ianto to go on.

“I get this…feeling…when I look at you. It’s like…you mean something to me. But I can’t remember what. Or why it’s so important.”

Jack couldn’t hold back anymore. He reached for Ianto’s hand and Ianto stared as he intertwined their fingers. “It doesn’t matter. You don’t need to remember. I’m here and I’m staying. That’s all you need to know.”

Ianto opened his mouth to say something when the memories came flooding back.

“Are you going back to him?”

“I came back for you.”

"Haven’t you ever loved anyone Jack?”

“Being here I seen things I never dreamt I’d see. Loved people I never would have loved if I’d just stayed where I was. And I wouldn’t change that for the world.”

“Jack, what did you do? What did you do?”

Ianto let out a soft gasp.

“What?” Jack asked, concerned.

“Jack?”

“That’s right.”

“Jack…”

“I’m right here Ianto.”

"You…I forgot you.” Tear formed in Ianto eyes and he began to breathe faster. “I forgot you.”

Jack realised what had happened and jumped up, caressing Ianto’s face. “Shhh, it’s okay.”

Ianto searched Jack’s eyes with a frightened, desperate look. “I forgot Jack. For all these years, I forgot. I promised you I wouldn’t, I tried not to but I did.”

"It’s okay. It’s okay Ianto.” Jack soothed, pressing a kiss to his forehead, fighting the urge to crush Ianto’s frail body against his own. “I know you didn’t want too.”

“Jack,” Ianto kept whispering over and over. All the memories came flooding back as Jack held him, whispering how much he’d missed him and how sorry he was.

“Why did you do it Jack?” Ianto sobbed. “Why did you make me forget? I’ve lost so much already. Why did you do that to me?”

Jack held him closer and rocked him as he cried for all the years they’d lost. Jack would never be able to answer Ianto’s question. He couldn’t find the words to tell him how the thought of losing him too soon had driven Jack to send him away. He couldn’t tell him how hard it had been, how he’d had to force himself to retcon Ianto so that he would be able to live a full and happy life, away from the dangers of working for Torchwood. He could never explain it so that Ianto would understand so instead he held him, rocking him back and forth, soothing him.

When they were finished, Jack climbed onto the bed and Ianto instinctively curled himself up against him. To Jack it felt like coming home. Ianto was older and frailer but he was still his Ianto, grey hair or not.

Jack voiced this last thought to Ianto and he scoffed. “It’s not just grey. It’s falling out.”

“You always were worried about that.”

“At least I won’t have to worry about that for much longer. Hair isn’t a big priority when you’re dead.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Why? It’s true. That’s why you came back isn’t it? I’m old and I’m dying. You just wanted the chance to gloat.”

“That isn’t why I came and you know it.”

“Isn’t it? Ianto struggled to sit up and turned to look at Jack, his weary face twisted with bitterness. “Just look at you. 60 years on and you’re still as young and beautiful as the day I met you. I hate you for that.”

“Ianto please don’t do this.”

Ianto looked at him for a full minute, his jaw clenched, eyes flashing with unexpected anger before it passed. The reality of what had happened outweighing anything else he was feeling at the time.

“Why did you do it Jack?” Ianto sighed, closing his eyes and dropping his head as he felt the urge to fight leave him. “Why did you let me forget?”

“Ianto, I can’t…I ….please understand.”

“No Jack. I don’t understand. I get the feeling I’ll never get the chance to.”

Ianto sighed again and settled back into Jack’s arms too tired to fight and too tired to keep himself upright on his own. “I was so angry when I realised what you’d done. I couldn’t understand why. I thought maybe it was something I did.”

“No. No, it wasn’t that Ianto. It was never that.”

“I told you I wouldn’t forget you. Even as I felt the retcon taking effect I promised myself, I wouldn’t forget you. And I tried Jack. I tried so hard to remember.”

"Shhh. I know. I know.”

“All these years I felt like something was missing. I kept seeing things, people, that reminded me, but I couldn’t remember you. I’d forgotten you.”

“That doesn’t matter now. I’m here. You remember me now.”

“All those years.”

“I know. I’m so sorry.”

Ianto looked up at Jack and traced his face just as he’d done with the picture of his wife. “Will you stay with me? Will you stay until…”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

Jack leant in and kissed Ianto softly. “I’m not leaving anymore.”

The nurse paused in the doorway of Room 4. A handsome young man, was sitting alone in the room, staring at the empty bed in front of him.

“Excuse me sir. But we’re you a relative of Mr Jones?”

The young man turned and regarded her with sad eyes. “No. I’m just a friend.”

The young nurse paused, unsure of how to continue. “The family are coming by to collect his belongings. They were on their way here when they received the news. They weren’t able to make it in time.”

The young man said nothing, just continued to stare at the empty bed.

She gave it a few more minutes then made her decision.

“He had this on him when he died. He told some of the nurses he never went anywhere with out it. I thought you might like to have it”

She walked over to him and placed an antique stop watch in his open hand. He stared at it for a moment, surprise and confusion evident on his face. She knew she had made the right decision when she saw tears forming in his eyes as traced the initials CJH in cursive writing carved on the back.

He let out a small laugh and gave her a watery smile. “He promised me he’d never forget. And he was right. He never did.”

Jack held the watch to his heart. “He never did.”

Help for fic?

2009-07-10T12:21:45Z

I'm writing a fic (No it has nothing to do with CoE it was just inspired by it so relax) and i'm trying to remember memorable quotes from the series between our two boys.

I've of course included Jack's mini speech before the kiss in S2 Ep 3 - the last man but i''m interested to see what everyone else thinks is important.

Any suggestions?

Don't read this if you haven't seen episode 4

2009-07-10T00:52:08Z

DON"T READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN:T SEEN EPISODE 4!

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

That is all.

Piglet will hang for this!

2009-07-09T09:50:44Z

I HATE SWINE FLU!

I got stuck in the influenza clinic today at work and I swear that every second person thought they had swine flu.

"Go home, curl up on the lounge and watch Dr Phil and be sure to drink plenty of water.....

Then suck the **** up princess! It's just a cold!"

*eye roll*

AND to make matters worse, i come home hoping to curl up with Torchwood and an Oliver and Christian snippet and instead i see no torchwood update (damn this infernel waiting!) and a cliffhanger that means i will spend the whole of tomorrow constantly refreshing youtube to see if there is an update for Oliver and Christian! *sigh*

It's all swine flu's fault dammit!

EDIT: yay i found some snippets on youtube! ....

"i've really missed that coat". =D

chester_kat @ 2009-07-08T12:09:00

2009-07-08T02:15:17Z

omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg!

Torchwood series 3! *squee*

Jantoey goodness! *more squee*

The kiss at the end of episode 1 *dies*

Does ANYONE know of someone who knows of someone who knows someone else that can tell me where i can see the full episodes?! I'm too imptient to wait!

Pretty please with a big ole honking cherry holding naked janto on top?!

chester_kat @ 2009-04-12T20:24:00

2009-04-12T10:27:36Z

BUGGER OFF SPAMERS!

>=(

Attention all knowledgable peoples.

2009-04-09T01:57:06Z

A few quick questions related to a fic I'm working on:

1. As i have said before, I am pretty much computer illiterate so:

I'm writing a crack fic where one of the characters is a laptop. She's gone a bit crazy and is shouting out random things and one of the lines is:

I've got _____ bytes of RAM and I'm not afraid to use everyone of them!

What should i put in there? I put 125 megabytes but i'm pretty sure that's piddly so what's a big number in computer speak?

2. This is directed at a Dr Who fan:

How the hell do you spell Raxaphaliphatoris.....or however you spell it? And is that where the Slitheen are from? I don't remember. =S

3. This is for the fashion conscious:

Ianto gets dressed up for a date and i've got him wearing:

' A 3 piece charcoal suit with a blood red tie and neatly polished wing tip shoes."

Sexy or not so sexy? (My idea of fashion is not wearing Ugg boots outside of my own house so obviously i still have a lot to learn)

I know it's random but any help would be great. You can get away with a lot in an AU crack fic but i still like to be accurate where i can. =)

Attention Randoms!

2009-03-02T08:42:09Z

By all means, friend me IF:

- you like my fics

- you find my random musings funny/thought provoking etc

- we have something in common eg. fandoms, interests etc

DO NOT FRIEND ME:

- If you are some random person who just adds friends willy-nilly - i won't friend you back unless i think we have something to talk about
- Are looking to scam me or hack into my account (you will be found out and deleted)
- You don't speak ANY English and/or can't explain why you added me in the first place.

I am so sick and tired of people claiming to have added me as a friend but when i look at their name/journal I either don't know them, they don't write in English AT ALL and/or later have their account deleted (obviously because they are scam artists or doing something against the LJ rules)

I don't want to but i WILL f-lock my journal if i have too.

Is anyone else having this problem?

Valentines Day is a freakin conspiracy!

2009-02-16T06:21:43Z

I am so glad that stupid holiday is over for yet another year! If I was forced to see one more red rose or fat, half naked baby armed with only an arrow and a loin cloth i was either going to puke or impale myself on a hallmark card.

I don't know why this year was so painful. Oh wait. Yes i do. It's because i look like a bulldog with a 5 o'clock shadow (wisdom teeth removed on wednesday) i am still single and i was informed that the last remaining single member of my group of friends had contracted the deadly disease - wuv.

*makes retching noises*

Seriously, out of a group of 10 people i am now the only one that is single.

Oh cupid why have thou foresaken me?

Despite appearences i don't mind being single. Deep down I'm a lonely old spinster who likes her alone time and has enough problems without constantly worrying about someone else.

What I mind is that now I have no one to stand with me against the onslaught of: "Don't worry, Mr Right is out there somewhere."

Really? And here i thought Mr Right had gone into witness protection and become Mr Doesn't Exist

or even better, that old chestnut: "You never know who's waiting just around the corner."

I hope to god it's a madman with a cricket bat because if i have to listen to any more of this sympathetic drivel i'm going to poke myself in the eye with a rose stem.

If I really wanted it bad enough i could be in a relationship right now. Why just the other day i was proposed to by a homeless man wearing underwear on his head, who in their right mind would pass up an offer like that?

I know it's human instinct to pair up and/or find a mate but when did singledom become a disease? I'm pathetic - not contagious! It's amazing watching the transformation people undergo when they fall in love. I've been excluded by quite a few conversations because i was single but now that i am the ONLY single one in the group it's like I have been demoted to "that one that's always alone. What's her name again?" It's only been 3 days but already my previously single friend won't return my messages, probably from fear of contracting "singleitis"

Who the hell thought of Valentines Day anyway? I know it doesn't mean the same thing as it used but what did it originally mean?

I think the single people of the world should create a new day dedicated especially to us. We all get free chocolate, effigies of cupid are made so we can set them alite and dance around the flames and anyone found to be uttering the words: "Someday you'll find that special someone just like I did." or any similar empty sentiment will be pelted with those stupid "I wuv you" candies until they are as annoyed as we are by their useless sympathies.

Rise up single people of the world and let us rejoice at the sound of a thousand voices retching at the delivery of yet another dozen roses. We can't be ignored!

And do us all a favour - when you do contract the deadly disease of 'wuv' (because you know we all do - eventually) have a heart and catch yourself before you utter the immortal line:

"Don't frown, You never know who's falling in love with your smile!"

............

Someone pass me a bucket.

I'm so disillusioned...

2009-02-15T03:33:40Z

Because i am a sad and pathetic single who apparently has no friends, my mum made me sit down and watch Gone with the Wind with her last night (valentines day night)

I'd never seen Gone with the Wind before but i had heard bits about it. I'd of course heard the famous line and was under the impression that it was all about heroines and heroes and the romance between Rhett and Scarlett.

Instead i found out it was all about some stuck-up, stubborn selfish horrible woman who spends the entire movie killing off her poor unsuspecting husbands and ruining peoples lives while pining for some pathetic, boring, gutless wonder.

I thought Gone with the Wind was the ultimate romantic movie? From what i heard Scarlett was someone to be emulated, someone to look up to. Not some selfish stuck up bitch. Maybe it's the unromantic in me dying to escape but i really didn't like that movie. The only enjoyment i got out of the entire thing was when Rhett uttered that immortal line. "Frankly my dear, i don't give a damn."

Take that biatch!

Am i the only one that feels that way? Did they do a romance bypass when they removed my teeth? Do wisdom teeth have some romance link that i don't know about? I like romance movies (An Affair to Remember is one of my all time favourite movies), i believe in love at first sight but i just don't see how that movie can be classified as being one of the all time romantic movies of an entire generation.

Tell me i am not the only one that feels that way.

Do They Make Butterfly Nets For Catching Zzzzz's?

2009-02-07T11:43:36Z

I wonder....how long do you have to be deprived of sleep before it is considered a "problem?"

I'm thinking they might classify it as a problem when i give in to my urge to start dancing with the lampost out in my street.....

o_0

Anyhoo

I JUST SAW THE TRAILER FOR TORCHWOOD! (I've been sick and sleep deprived and i'm on the other side of the bloody planet - give a girl a break)

In my current state of zedlessness I of course went completely crackers when i saw THE SNOGGING! Although now i read that some people are concerned Ianto may have been unconcious or ...dare i say it....life challenged? .....when it happened?

*drops to her knees* SAY IT AIN"T SOOOOOOO!

............

I am so TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good news though - i go in for surgery on wednesday so i will have 5 days after the surgery to bask in medicated glory and to try and finish at least ONE of my fics.

Vampire Ianto
Fractured fairytales - Little Red Ianto Hood
Fractured fairytales - The Immortal and the Tailors Son
A Shower Porn
Game Over

My beta (if she will still have me) will probably have a heart attack when she hears from me after so long but my aim is to post at least 1 of the 5 fics i am currently working on - (if you're reading i'm sorry but as you can see my use of comma is still dismal at best)

Maybe, just maybe THEN i can get some sleep.

Hello lampost, whatcha knowin? I've come to watch your power flowin - Burns the simpsons

When did our national day become an excuse to excercise our national prejudice?

2009-01-26T02:31:07Z

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY!!!

Aussie Aussie Aussie!
Oi Oi Oi!
Aussie Aussie Aussie!
Oi Oi Oi!
Aussie!
Oi!
Aussie!
Oi!
Aussie Aussie Aussie!
Oi Oi Oi!

This is an example of stupidity at it's national best: http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=122346320127&h=pLKzq&u=DTMZu

Sometimes I get so disgusted with the morons in this country. It's people like these IDIOTS that ruin this beautiful country and our relaxed way of life.

I am proud to be an Aussie. I am proud of the fact that we are very multicultural and (for most of us anyway) willing to give anyone a go. We have all sorts of races, nationalities and religions in our country and for the most part, we all get along just fine.

Australia day is seeped in contraversy, yes I won't deny that, but when did Australia day go from a chance for all of us to take a day off work, sit around the bbq or lie on the beach getting sunburnt, have a beer and maybe watch the cricket...

....to a day where a bunch of drunk dickheads with no sense and even less national pride decide they must show how incredibly stupid they truly are by inciting roits targeted at those who's orgins may differ form their own? .

Newsflash morons! NO ONE is indigenous to this country except the indigenous people themselves!

How is rioting, harrassing and terrorising your fellow residents by burning flags and getting into fights showing your national pride huh?

What happened to tolerance? What happened to we are one?

How DARE they use our flag and national day as a way of justifying their biogtry and hatred! Just because you wave a flag around in the air and "have lived in this country all your life" doesn't make you an aussie. It makes you a bigoted, stupid, ignorant fascit who's views completely oppose that of this country's.

Everyone comes from somewhere else. Hell most of us came from bloody convicts! That's what makes Australia great. Not just the fact they we started out as a place for rejects but that we STILL continue to except those that others won't.

We're not perfect. Hell you only have to see our treatment of the children overboard scandal or our voting record of repeatedly voting in the Labour party to see that. But one thing we are is a multicultural society. Half the people in this country are only 2nd generation Australian and since we stole the land from the aboriginals all those years ago we technically aren't even that!

If you don't like the ways things are in this country, fine. As you so gallantly put it to all those you terrorise: Go home to your own country.

I like many others will ALWAYS call Australia home and will always take any opportunity to show my national pride. But until we can have a National day that it truely our own, with people that truely believe in National pride, Australia day will just be a myth.

*stumbles as she climbs down from her soapbox*

Merry Christmas to The JackxIanto Community!

2008-12-10T01:59:17Z

Title: Merry Christmas to the JackxIanto Community!
Author: chester_kat
Rating: I don’t know….G? PG? It’s work safe lets put it that way.
Spoilers: None.
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Genre: ….crack? fluff? AU? You make up your mind. I know nothing I just write the fics.
Disclaimer: One two don't sue!
Warnings: Complete and utter cracktastic holiday silliness. Unbeta’d. My bad.
Summary: A bit of Holiday fun. I’m still looking for the plot. If you find it, you get a cookie and a free trip with the men in white coats.

Where are we?

No idea….why am I naked?

You’re not naked. You have a bow.

A very strategically placed bow. And it itches.

Hey I didn’t have anything to do with it! ….This time.

Wait a minute. There’s a sign over there…. JackxIanto The Original Live Journal Community…what in the world?

There’s an entire live journal community devoted to us? Cool

Jack it’s not cool! What is this place?

Never heard of it. But seeing as we’re here and already naked…

Jack stop it! Focus.

I am.

On getting out of here?

Oh.

Have a look around. See if you can find out what this place is.

……

Wow. I never thought of doing THAT before.

Oh my god. This place is filthy.

I don’t know it seems pretty spot on to me…

Jack! This is a community for fanfiction!

So…?

So? It’s a place for fans to write fiction involving us….you know…

Ianto, are you blushing?

Don’t be stupid.

You ARE! That’s so..

If you say cute I am going to have to hurt you.

I was going to say hot. Come on Ianto, they’re not writing about anything we haven’t already done at least twice. Hmmm, they seem to like the hot house as much as we do…

Its one thing to do it but it’s quite another to have someone WRITE about it!

Lighten up Ianto! You should read some of this stuff….like for instance this one. I didn’t know you were that…flexible.

Hmmm. Neither did I….um….hmmm……. that’s….oh….

Yeah.

What’s this about Smut Sunday?

Oh that’s a good idea. Maybe we should adopt that idea too.

Oh yes I’m sure Gwen would love that.

……

Now I think you wrote that one.

No I didn’t, I just have a really good publicist.

I think they’re confusing the size of your head for another part of your anatomy.

Then how come my bow is bigger than yours?

I am not going to stand here and compare bow sizes with you. And stop leering at me.

……

You know, I think maybe we were brought here to show some of these writers how it’s really done. You know, give them a…practical….demonstration. For research purposes.

Are you suggesting I play Santa to your Mrs Claus?

Whatever jingles your bells.

Oh my god.

Merry Christmas Ianto.

Merry Christmas Jack.

Merry Christmas to all the members of JackxIanto! I hope your Christmas is happy one and that Santa leaves you your very own Jack and Ianto.

(As you can see, these ones are already taken ;))

Chester Kat

Chester Kat's Bunny Orphanarium

2008-12-01T23:57:26Z

Got a few ideas for fics that need a good home. Feel free to adopt a bunny but please remember - i loved them first.

* Ianto's secret kink- head massages.
    - " Ianto Jones, are you purring?"
    - " I bet you're fun at the hairdresser "

* Jack visits Ianto as a dying old man.
        - I really really like this one but i just don't have the time to write it. I just had this image of Jack visiting Ianto as an old man in hospital, seeing the pictures of his family surrounding him and knowing he made the right decision. He talks to Ianto about his life and his family and something triggers Ianto into remembering Jack. Ianto dies with Jack holding his hand.
    - "Jack remembered how he'd fought back the tears as he dissolved the reton in Ianto's coffee. He remembered how he'd let his tears fall as Ianto realised what he'd done, how desperate and angry Ianto had been, vowing he'd remember him, he'd never forget, no matter what.
    -"I told you I'd never forget. But i did. I did forget you."
    "No you didn't. We just lost each other for a while. But I'm here now. And you remember me, just like you said you would."

* Jack teaches Ianto how to dance. Set pre or post cyberwoman (up to you). Ianto already knows how but uses it as an excuse to get close to Jack. His secret is exposed at Gwen's wedding. Jack doesn't mind.

* Jack can't sleep so Ianto tells Jack a bedtime story. Jack keeps interrupting him and making innuendo about big lances and blue eyed, snarky welsh damsels in distress and it all ends in some good old fashioned smex.
    - "And they all lived happily and hornily ever after."

* This one is a bit weird and total and utter crack but if you think you can run with it - be my guest. I'm already doing Beauty and the Beast and I was going to see if i could make a series of Fractured Fairytales - Torchwood style but it may be a while so feel free to take this and make your own version. Go on. I dare you. ;)
    - Little Red Riding Hood - Torchwood style. Owen as the big bad wolf, Gwen as Grandma, Ianto as little red riding hood, Jack as the woodsman and Tosh as the narrator.

All the questions you wanted to know but were afraid to ask about us Aussies.

2008-11-06T04:41:09Z

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the
actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain
on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

_________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

_________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send
me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.
Come naked
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

___________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled
and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name.
It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and
eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before
you go out walking.

_________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the
female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was
staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

My attempt at icon making

2008-10-25T13:05:38Z

hehehehehe I think it says it all

Omg did anyone else almost pass out from joy when they saw this pictures? Talk about snog fest!

I think this one is my favourite (and not just because i am doing some subtle gwen bashing)

What do you think? I think i should stick to fic writing lol

I'm not dead!

2008-10-16T22:44:16Z

*wipes away the cobwebs*

*shoos away the bats*

*spring cleans complete with unsettling French maid outfit and feather duster*

Ah that's better.

I can't believe it but it's been 3 months! 3 MONTHS since i had any Janto goodness! Its been bloody torture.

The reason: F**king uni.

For the last 3 months the only reason for going on the internet was to do study or to reply to emails from various contacts related to uni.

Here's a hint: NEVER volunteer to help out with a research project in order to get extra credit. IT"S NOT WORTH IT! I didn't even get paid for it!

But now i am free! And what am i going to do with my freedom? Plonk my big ole fat arse in front of the computer and catch up on 3 months worth of Janto-y goodness. .....and hopefully get some inspiration to finish some of my own fics.

If anyone reading this has got any recommendations on where to start let me know.

ON your marks, GET set......START READING! YAY!

Real Life is a bitch of a slave driver

2008-08-14T10:47:23Z

For all those expecting a sequel to the Punishment story - don't hold your breathe. Blue only looks good on smurfs.

I have barely had 2 mins to myself this week and next week is not shaping up to be any better.

A word for the wise: do not try to knock down a house, work a 48hr shift, start back at university and attend an impromptu family reunion with your family's backstabbing, shit stirrer of a cousin all in the same week. It reeks havoc with your mental state.

.....oh and if anyone hears a news story of a 22yr old Australian female taking out her entire family before setting loose on her local council...

Don't worry. It's just me.

Fic: Punishment

2008-08-08T11:10:13Z

I already posted this to the comm but lj is being stupid with spacing .....and apparently the bold button *sigh*
I love me some Dom!Ianto.

Title: Punishment
Author: </v:stroke></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:formulas></v:path></o:lock></v:shapetype></v:imagedata></v:shape></a>chester_kat
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Strong Language, Sexual Situations, Light Bondage. DEFINITELY NOT WORKSAFE.
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Disclaimer: Yadda Yadda Not mine. Yadda Yadda Don’t sue Yadda Yadda Blah blah blah

A/N: I could be tempted to write a sequel but it all depends on your feedback, so let me know.
Summary: Jack has been naughty boy now it’s up to Ianto to sort him out.

I know it’s not Smut Sunday but you post when you can. Praise as always for my beautiful beta </v:imagedata></v:shape></a>mad_theo. I do believe in commas, I do, I do, I DO believe in commas!

“I think it suits you; green always looks best on you. Especially that low cut one you wore the other day. It really brought out the colour in your…um…eyes.”

Jack waggled his eyebrows suggestively and Gwen giggled, swatting him on the arm playfully.

“Oh, stop it,” she giggled, her words not quite matching her actions.

*********

It was the end of the day, and just moments before, Jack and Ianto had been having an argument about whether or not it was time to finish.

“Jack, I can’t play now. Give me another hour. I really have to finish these reports for the prime minister.”

“No, you don’t,” Jack had whined, sounding remarkably like a 5 year old. “They’ll still be here tomorrow, deal with them then. It’s time to play with me now.”

“I won’t have time tomorrow, and you’ll keep another hour,” Ianto had laughed, half-heartedly pushing Jack away. “Then we can play all you want.”

“What would it take for me to convince you?” Jack had murmured seductively, closing in on Ianto’s personal space, leaning in to steal a kiss.

“Jack, can you help with something…oh, sorry.”

Gwen walked in just as Jack’s lips were ghosting over Ianto’s. Pulling away abruptly, Ianto mentally cursed Gwen and her infuriating sense of bad timing.

“Sorry, Gwen. What did you want?” Jack asked politely, quickly meeting Ianto’s eyes in silent apology.

“Oh, I uh…I just wanted your opinion on something. It doesn’t matter; it’s not important.”

“No, Gwen, stay. I have some reports to get back to anyway.” Ianto started for the door, but Jack grabbed his hand and pulled him back.

“No, Ianto, you stay. Gwen, what was it you needed my opinion on?”

That had been 15 minutes ago, and Jack and Gwen still stood in Jack’s office discussing which outfit Gwen should wear to a dinner with Rhys’ big boss.

Suddenly, Gwen’s phone rang. “Bullocks!” she muttered angrily as she grabbed for the phone in her pocket.

“Hello? Rhys! I’m sorry, love. I’m coming now. Got held up at work.”

She mouthed her thanks to Jack and hurried from the room, reassuring Rhys that they wouldn’t be late and that she was leaving right this instant.

Jack smirked and turned back to Ianto.

“Now, where were we… Ianto?”

Ianto was gone. Jack frowned and looked around his office. “Ianto?”

He saw that the door to his room was open and the light was shining from below. Smiling wickedly, he started down the ladder.

“Ianto? Where are you?” he sing-songed. “Are we playing hide and seek? I thought you said you didn’t have time to play? ”

When he stepped off of the last rung, he turned to find Ianto standing rigid, hands behind his back. Jack smirked and sauntered over to him. “Now before we were so rudely interrupted, I believe we were somewhere around here…”He leant in to kiss him, but Ianto pushed him back, hard.

“What the hell?”

“Shut-up, just shut-up,” Ianto growled angrily.

“Ianto, what are you…”

Ianto grabbed the back of Jack’s head and pulled him into a bruising kiss. Jack almost let out a whine as Ianto pulled back.

“Say one more word without permission and all this ends. Do you understand?”

Jack felt all the blood rush to his cock at the command he heard in Ianto’s tone. The Welshman’s usually sweet, dulcet vowels had been transformed into an angry, deep-throated growl that matched his demeanour. Turns out they would play tonight after all, but in this game, Ianto was the one in charge.

“Answer me, Harkness!” Ianto growled again and wrenched back the hand that was still tangled in Jack’s hair, hard enough to hurt.

“Yes! ….I understand. Sir,” Jack panted, his cock growing harder. He loved it when Ianto took control.

Ianto smiled, but the smile was bereft of any mirth. “Good,” he whispered, his eyes narrowing.

He took a step back and the smile left his face.

“Strip,” he ordered.

Jack quickly reached to undo the buttons on his shirt, but stopped at the sound of Ianto’s voice.

“Slowly.”

Jack took a deep breath to calm himself and began to strip off his clothes, slowly and methodically.

Ianto moved until his back was against the wall and unzipped his trousers, his eyes never leaving Jack’s as the older man slowly peeled off his under shirt.

By the time Jack had started unfastening his own trousers, he saw that Ianto was lazily stroking his hard and leaking cock, regarding Jack like he was an interesting specimen or a piece of fine art.

Jack quickly finished removing his remaining clothes, pushing them to the side and standing at attention, completely naked in front of a now very aroused Ianto.

Ianto pushed off the wall and stalked toward Jack, the younger man’s deliberate gait reminding him of a panther: dangerous and wild. He shivered as Ianto moved behind him and blew softly on his naked skin.

“Mine,” Ianto whispered against his back.

Jack felt his eyes close as Ianto’s fingers trailed along his skin, tracing patterns and pressing soft butterfly kisses in their wake.

Jack gasped when Ianto grabbed his hands and pulled them roughly behind his back. His cock grew even harder when he felt metal against his skin and heard the click as the cuffs locked into place.

“You’ve been a bad boy, Jack.”

The older man jerked as Ianto slapped his naked flesh, his skin burning where Ianto’s hand had made contact.

“And what happens to bad boys, Jack?”

Jack shivered as Ianto stroked the still stinging flesh, his sensitive skin reacting to the slightest touch.

“They get punished, sir.”

Ianto walked around to the front of Jack and struck him across the face, almost causing the captain to cry out in pain.

“They get punished,” Ianto repeated slowly. He took a step back from Jack and glared at him. “Tell me, Jack: what did you do to deserve this punishment?”

Jack bit his lip, almost drawing blood. He was so hard it hurt. Ianto was pushing every button Jack had, every kink he had ever confessed to. In the right circumstances, he loved to be dominated. He had known when he flirted with Gwen in front of Ianto that he would pay for it later. Later, it seemed, was right now.

“I flirted with someone else,” he whispered, eyes downcast in a perfect example of subservience.

With his eyes on the floor, Jack missed the brief flinch as Ianto broke character.

By the time he looked up, the walls had come back down and Ianto was once again the hard, merciless dominator.

“And it wasn’t just anybody, was it, Harkness?”

“No, sir.”

“It was someone very special to you.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Who was it?”

“Gwen, sir.”

“Gwen who?”

“Gwen Cooper, sir.”

“Gwen Cooper,” Ianto repeated slowly, rolling the words across his tongue. “Former PC, Gwen fucking Cooper.”

Ianto regarded him for a moment before continuing, resuming his walk around Jack’s naked and hand-cuffed form. “Except it’s no longer Cooper, is it, Harkness?”

Jack frowned, not quite understanding where Ianto was going with this.

“She’s married. It’s Williams now, isn’t it?”

Jack ducked his head, looking down at the floor once more.

“Yes, sir,” he whispered sadly.

“You were flirting with a married woman, Jack.”

Jack kept his head bowed.

“Naughty boy,” Ianto admonished. “You were really playing with fire with that one, weren’t you? What do you think should happen to you, Jack? Hmmm? What do you think you deserve?”

Ianto moved up to Jack’s side and whispered in his ear.

“What punishment should I give you for breaking the rules?”

Jack waited with bated breath as Ianto pretended to study him, his finger rubbing across his bottom lip. After a few moments, he made his decision. He walked behind Jack once again and uncuffed one hand, pushing him towards the bed.

“Bed. Now. On your back. Hands above your head, grabbing the headboard.”

Jack smiled as he took in Ianto’s succinct and clipped sentences. Unless he was mistaken, he wasn’t the only one enjoying Ianto’s taking the lead.

He did as he was told and lay on his back, his hands gripping the headboard obediently. Ianto straddled his hips and re-cuffed Jack’s hands to the headboard, pressing the metal in tighter.

“Don’t move,” Ianto commanded, slithering down his body until his mouth was inches from Jack’s leaking cock.

Jack whimpered as Ianto’s tongue swiped across the head.

“Hmm,” Ianto murmured decadently, “essence of Jack. Delicious.”

Jack pulled against his restraints, but Ianto had cuffed him in such a way that it gave Jack no room to move.

“Uh, uh, uh, Captain. This is my show. I say how fast we go.”

The next few minutes were a blur of sensations for Jack as Ianto set to work tasting every inch of Jack’s cock; worshiping the head before deep throating him, then bringing his mouth back up so that only the crown was still inside his mouth. Every time Jack was just at the edge of coming, Ianto would stop: delaying the inevitable and making Jack want to scream with frustration.

Jack groaned as Ianto gripped the base of his penis, once again stopping his release.

“What’s the matter, Jack? Are we feeling a little frustrated? Do you need some more….stimulation?” Ianto drew out the word, caressing the consonants with his tongue in a way that made Jack want to kiss him and draw that wicked tongue into his mouth.

“Perhaps this will teach you a little more self control?” Ianto reached under the pillow beneath Jack’s head and pulled out a metal cock ring.

Jack tried devoutly to control his increasing desire for Ianto. It seemed while Jack had been busy with Gwen, Ianto had been busy planning his revenge, complete with a few, favourite toys.

Jack started as the cold metal touched his hot and hypersensitive flesh, but Ianto took his time sliding the ring into place and tightening it.

“Ianto…” Jack moaned as Ianto’s fingers caressed his skin.

Ianto stopped suddenly and sat back. “Did I say you could speak?”

Jack realised what had happened and began to panic. He was so close, but Ianto was beginning to rise off the bed, away from him. He couldn’t let Ianto leave him like this; it was too much.

“No! I’m sorry Ianto – it won’t happen it again. Please. Don’t stop.”

Ianto paused for what seemed like forever before resuming his former position.

“No more second chances, Jack. Play by the rules or I’ll leave you like this.”

Jack nodded, the relief temporarily sating his desire.

Ianto moved his hand to Jack’s face, caressing him softly, Jack’s eyes drifting closed at the touch. He felt Ianto’s fingers trace his lips, and when he opened his mouth, felt them slip inside.

“Suck,” Ianto instructed.

Jack sucked hungrily on the fingers, rolling them around in his mouth, imagining it was Ianto’s cock. He swirled his tongue around them and drew them deeper into his mouth, moaning pornographically.

Too soon for Jack’s liking, Ianto pulled his fingers free with a salacious pop. Ianto trailed his now spit covered fingers down Jack’s chest toward his groin.

He looked up at Jack from beneath his eyelashes and smiled coldly before thrusting his still wet fingers into Jack’s arse.

Jack gasped and jumped involuntarily at the intrusion, but Ianto’s hand on his hip prevented him from moving any further and dislodging the fingers.

Jack began to pant softly as Ianto’s fingers explored the inside of Jack’s arse, every second stroke glancing past his prostate but not quite touching it.

“Can you feel that, Jack? Can you feel my fingers?”

Jack let out pathetic sound as Ianto pressed a little harder. “Uh….”

“Don’t speak, Jack,” Ianto warned, “You don’t have my permission.”

Jack tried to roll his hips, wordlessly asking for more.

Ianto removed his fingers and slapped Jack’s hip.

“Behave!” Ianto growled. “I’m in control here.”

Jack struggled to quiet himself, biting his lip and pleading with his eyes for Ianto to continue.

Satisfied that Jack understood, Ianto once again inserted his fingers and resumed his torturous caressing of Jack’s insides, this time adding more pressure and spending sparks of pleasure through Jack’s body.

“Do you like that, Jack? Do you like what I can do to you?”

Jack bit down harder on his lip, tasting blood. He nodded his head, closing his eyes, not trusting himself to look at Ianto.

“Open your eyes, Jack!”

Jack gasped and opened his eyes, staring at Ianto.

“I want you to keep your eyes on me.”

Ianto leaned in and took Jack’s bleeding bottom lip into his mouth, worrying it between his teeth. “I want you to see who’s doing this to you, Jack. I want you to remember my face as you feel this.”

Jack was bordering on agony as Ianto repeatedly stroked his prostate with clever fingers.

“Only I can do this to you, Jack. Only I can bring you this pleasure.”

“Only you,” Jack agreed, forgetting Ianto’s rule of no speaking.

“Only I know your body well enough to bring you to the edge and back. Gwen’s married, she has Rhys. She can’t have you, too.”

“Don’t want her, want you,” Jack implored.

“You were flirting with her, Jack; you were acting like you wanted her.”

“No!” Jack moaned, the pleasure building and blending with this frustration. “Just trying…. to make you jealous,” he panted.

“Jealous?” Ianto chuckled coldly, pressing harder and making Jack cry out in pain. “Jealous of Gwen?”

“Yes! Oh god, Ianto!”

“That’s not very nice, Jack. That’s not nice at all.”

“I’m sorry….please…”

“Sorry doesn’t change what you did, Jack. It was very childish and it hurt.”

“I’m sorry. Please, Ianto,” Jack begged, close to tears, the intensity building to unbearable levels.

“Tell me what you want, Jack. I want to hear you say it.”

“Please…” Jack sobbed, his body aching with the need to come as Ianto’s fingers continued their merciless assault on his prostate. “I need to come, please!”

“Do you deserve to come, Jack? Have you learnt your lesson?”

“Yes!” Jack all but screamed, his body arching off the bed, dislodging Ianto fingers.

Ianto moved to loosen the cock ring, then hesitated, whispering into Jack’s ear.

“Promise?”

In one swift move Ianto removed the cock ring and enveloped Jack’s swollen cock in his mouth, sucking hard.

That was all it took. Jack’s eyes rolled back in his head and he screamed until his throat was raw as the release he had been denied for so long was ripped from his body.

Wave after wave of pleasure spurted out of Jack’s cock and into Ianto’s mouth. Ianto continued to swallow, even as Jack jerked uncontrollably, his spent cock continuing to spasm even after the last drop had been sucked from his body.

When Jack came too, he found his hands had been released from the cuffs and were now down by his sides. He groaned and sat up, smiling when he saw Ianto sitting stiffly at the end of the bed.

“Ianto Jones, that was amazing,” he breathed, reaching out to touch him, but Ianto pulled away.

“Ianto?”

Ianto moved up the bed and took Jack’s face in his hands, kissing him softly, all trace of the angry, dominating personality now gone.

Ianto pulled back and Jack was shocked to see tears in Ianto’s eyes.

“Don’t make me do that again,” Ianto whispered, so quietly that Jack strained to hear him.

Ianto gave him one last chaste kiss before rising from the bed and climbing the ladder, but not before Jack saw something that disturbed even more than the tears: Ianto was still hard.

Ow and help needed for a fic

2008-07-08T04:35:23Z

Why does the weird stuff always have to happen to me?

I am currently sporting a very sexy eye patch at the moment. The 3 year old I look after poked me in the eye and scratched my cornea so now i have to run around looking like a reject from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Not only is it embarressing (it's amazing how many people think it's hilariously funny to yell out ARRRGGHHHH! at me as i pass them in the street) but it also makes simple things like typing, reading, watching TV or even just crossing the road that much harder. I can still do it (obviously) but it just takes me forever.

This is especially annoying as just after it happened i was trying to read Beauty and the Beast to the little monster and came up with one of my most cracktastic idea yet.

Beauty and the Beast - Torchwood style.

ROFL LOL LOL LOL!

It took me 3 hours but i managed to irk out an outline and omg i swear someone has swapped my Milo for cocoa covered crack. I mean after I read it through I was seriously thinking about submitting my Hot Milo to a lab for drug testing.

But i have a small problem. I don't know what to turn Gwen into.

The idea is that Owen, Tosh and Gwen (I refuse to write anymore original characters than i have too) will replace Lumiere, Cogsworth and Mrs Potts. Owen will be turned into a scalpel, Tosh a laptop but Gwen....

......

I know i want to turn her into something only mildly useful and of course she will be identified by having a huge chip in her somewhere but i just don't know what to turn her into.

*ponders*

Any ideas anyone?

Also i'm going to need to get someone to double check my Doctor character. I've never written anything using the Doctor before so i'm not sure how he would 'speak'.

Anyway. Should be fun! Let the cracktastic crackly goodness BEGIN!